Thoughts of A Savvy Bastard

Big Fish

2005-06-11T17:21:00.000+10:00

No! Not The Movie!

When you're snorkelling off the coast of Secret Beach on Great Keppel Island and you look down to see a FUCKING GREAT MANTA RAY floating up towards you, you're likely to get a little scared right? The thing was bloody huge...

However, I now know that they are indeed harmless. Ithought it might have whipped me with it's tail, or smothered me with its creepy manta wings.

I shudder at the thought of it...

Thirteen

2005-05-14T20:26:00.000+10:00

There is a moment in Thirteen that sends me reeling every time I watch it, despite the fact that I've seen the movie countless times.

Evan Rachel Wood plays Tracy Freeland, good student, nice girl and supportive daughter. She supports her mother Mel (Holly Hunter), a recovering alocohloic with a heeart of gold.

But Tracy, on her first day of High School, discovers Evie Zamora (Nikki Reed), a popular, beautiful and streetsmart wild child. She wants to be friends with Evie, and goes to great lengths to acheive this friendship.

But with Evie comes a whole new world and lifestyle.

Tracy goes on to become just like Evie, if not worse. And we see Evie for what she really is: a skank. And the sad thing is, that there are many girls jsut like these two, girls who drink, smoke, have all forms of sex and do all forms of drugs. They danger themselves, not even because it's necessarily cool, but because they feel they're expected to.

The moment that always sends me reeling is this:

Tracy, after being transformed into a tall glass of skank whore, is in toruble. All her friends have left her, and she's failing school. She's talking to her teacher and her teacher informs her that she may have to repeat seventh grade.

Seventh grade.

She has been through hell and is still trying to go through hell, and she's only in seventh grade. She's driven her family mad, but she's only in seventh grade. She's nearly been raped by a scungy guy on Hollywood Boulevard, but she's only in seventh grade.

It's scary.

Evan Rachel Wood is brilliant. It's impossible to take your eyes away from her, and she easily carries the movie amongst stars like Holly Hunter and Deborah Kara Unger.

Just as impressive is Nikki Reed. She wrote the movie with the director, and loosely based it on events of her life. But her acting is powerful and brutal.

Thriteen is a must see.

2005-05-05T20:18:00.000+10:00

Here's a list of word I'll be quite glad to die without hearing again:

September
11
2001
Terrorist
Attack
War
War on Terror
Nuclear
Uranium
Iraq
Insurgents
Uprising
World Trade Centers
My Fellow American's
God Bless America
Sadaam
Hussein
Al Qaeda
Osama
Bin Laden

(and on a less worldy scale)

Leader
Leadership
Potential
Guidance
Example (as in 'Set an...')

and of course

Parents-have-had-sex

Toodles.

Right Now...

2005-05-05T12:53:00.000+10:00

Right now, I'm sitting at the one computer in my school's music room, typing out this new posting and listening to Danielle play the drums in an effort to try and annoy me. Amazingly, she's actually got the beat of 'Ready To Go' by 'Republica' down pretty well.

I'm sitting on a stool at an uncomfortable angle, and all blood has been cut off to my glutes.

I'm not even suypposed to be on the internet at the moment.

How rebellious of me.

Why did the girl fall off the bike?

2005-04-29T20:44:00.000+10:00

Because someone threw a fridge at her...

OZ

2005-04-26T22:26:00.000+10:00

I was sitting in front of my website the other day, pondering. As I sat I thought "What am I actually trying to do with my website?" After all, t osome, it is just a place to see a guy rabble on about random shit. To one idividual at least, it is a sight about "gay ass serious movies and stage obsessions", a comment I find irrelevant seeing as I have never once mentioned anything about stage work, nor do I talk about serious movies: Bound is incredibly fun and T*** (I dare not speak its name) is barely a movie.

It then occured to me, that I am a bit like Augustus Hill. I sit here and don;t provide any useful information, just random thoughts and insights onto various topics. I now hear you ask:

'Who the fuck is Augustus Hill?'

Now you have heard me mention OZ. OZ is my favourite TV show (On par with SVU. I cannot possibly decide between them.) and where SVU is brilliant confronting and reassuring, OZ is brutal, bloody, violent, irrational, confronting, most certainly brilliant and very unsettling.

It deals with the lives of the inmates of Oswald Correctional Facility. The show focuses mainly on the inmates who inhabit Em(erald) City, an experimental wing of the prison.

I started watching it a while back, and it was the show that developed my love of Christopher Meloni. You can read all about his character elsewhere. Needless to say, he is brilliant in it.

OZ is, as I stated previously, a very unsettling show. It's brilliant, but unsettling. How many shows do you know of that have characters crucified on a gym floor. That said, that was a particularly controversial death, but even so...

I found it hilarious when, after some serious hype from me, my friend Ryan sat down to watch an episode. He thought, from the way that I had applauded it, that it was a funny show. Oh, the irony.

We in Australia (OZ in Oz--can we say perfect target for bad jokes?) are three seasons behind the US. Now, I don't know if we are limited in our potential release of OZ on DVD by the fact that we have not finished airing all the seasons. Or, they probably can't decide what to rate it.

It is indeed a controversial show. Before every show, SBS issue a disclaimer stating that it contains material that might be distressing to some viewers. Then they rate it with a very strong MAV rating.

However, see it for yourself.

OZ: Monday nights, 10 P.M., SBS.

By the way. Augustus Hill, played by Harold Perrinau Jr. (also known to many as Dawson on LOST or Mercutio in Romeo + Juliet) is the narrator of each episode. He provides insights into the happenings of each episode.

Why did the boy fall of his bike?

2005-04-26T22:23:00.000+10:00

Because he had no arms...

Christopher Meloni

2005-04-19T17:56:00.000+10:00

This is He.

I consider myself to be perfectly straight, but with only one exception.

That exception is Christopher Meloni.

I first saw him on Law & Order: SVU, then on OZ (incidentally, my two favourite TV shows) and have become smitten. I don't know what it is about him, there's just a zing.

Take his two main characters.

Elliot Stabler is a hard working sex crimes detective whose attachment and protection of his family sometimes hinders his ability to maintain objectivity when it comes to his cases. He sometimes slips, and his temper shows through. He quite often brutalises his suspects (usually it's justified) and gets in a wee spot of trouble.

Chris Keller is the kind of guy Stabler would beat the shit out of. He's a perverse, sexually omnivorous violent man, whose love for fellow inmate Tobias Beecher compels him to all forms of strange and brutal acts. But he's a fascinating character. Consider his character at the start of season 4. In the first episode, he got shot by a crazy frenchman. Now, after his recovery, he has to deal with a disturbing little fact: he died during his operation. And he went to hell. Now he's troubleed by his nightmares, and panicking because he's going to hell. All this from the man who managed to break every bone in his boyfriend's body two seasons earlier.

He's also been in shitloads of supporting roles: Coach Bob Kelly in Runaway Bride (maintain eye contact) in which he got to punch Richard Gere in the face, a lifelong dream of mine, Jim Halperin in 12 Monkeys getting to tell Madeleine Stowe's (rather irritating) character that she's not as much of a nutbag as she thought she was, JOHNNIE MARZONNE IN BOUND THE GREATEST MOVIE IN EXISTENCE, even down to Mr. Lanzarotta, the presumably impotent man in Junior (he doesn't speak a single word but he does a better job of acting than Arnie)

He's also been in a film called The Souler Opposite for which he's received many accolades. But of course, Australia haven;t had it released.

And Freakshow. Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury who have seen Harold & Kumar this is the man who played Freakshow.

Christopher Meloni was meant to be in Pretty Persuasion with Evan Rachel Wood but the bastards cut him out at the last moment. GOD DAMN THEM! I'm still looking forward to PP but I know that I'm gonna spend the movie figuring out where he would have been.

2005-04-18T19:32:00.000+10:00

We've all had one of those days....

2005-04-18T19:29:00.000+10:00

I don't care what anyone says: I want this plane for school trip.

"We WANTS it!"

2005-04-18T19:25:00.000+10:00

I knew there was something iffy about his re-election...

Further Thoughts On Bound

2005-04-17T22:42:00.000+10:00

Bound is brilliant. In one word, I would describe it as scintillating. It is bloody awesome.

I found the trailer (although it makes it look kind of crap) can be seen at

www.movie-list.com

I love it.

Please see it.

Hmmmm.....

2005-04-17T16:23:00.000+10:00

There are many countless thousands of mysteries in the universe. Is there life outside of Earth? Does God exist? How does a cat purr?

I can handle not knowing these things. But there is one thing that struck me today that I have not been able to get out of my mind.

What the hell does the scroll lock button do?

On the keyboard, there are three buttons that stand alone: Print Screen, Scroll Lock and Pause. Now, Print Screen does that: it copies your desktop as a picture. You can then paste it into Paint. Pause has often helped me in a few computer games: it pauses the game.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE SCROLL LOCK DO?

It sits there, taking up space on a keyboard. Sure: you press it and a light pops up, but what does it DO?

Anyone know the answer?

They Shoot, They Score!!!

2005-04-15T19:23:00.000+10:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the women of my humble school have proved themselves once again.

In a pretty triumphant victory, the Dominc girls softball team won the grandfinal, an act our school has not achieved since the year 1978. That's right, the last time Dominic won was the same year that Michael Myers was wactually scary.

Well done all you softballers ( or on behalf of Marc, should i say *JOCKS*?) and well done for being able to win through the incredible hindrance of your coach.

Rip shit up.

Words, Life and Love

2005-04-11T20:20:00.000+10:00

A poet sits with paper and pen,
Computer and keyboard,
Voice and imagination.

He lays down a foundation
Of Words.

From there he shapes them, crafts them, moulds them into something worthwhile, beautiful or meaningful.

Or he can build something differently. He can make it funny or serious, sad or happy, true or false.

But when he stops building, he realises
At the end of the day
They’re just words

* * *

Life is the birds in the trees
Or the cats that chase them

Life is the little girl splashing in the puddle;
And the water that makes her feet wet.

Life is the sky, still and perfect.
Or the storm that shatters it.

Life is the broken arm;
It hurts at times, but it always heals.

Life is the old man in a hospital;
Or his grandchildren who watch him die.

* * *

Love is the rain in a drought;
It soaks through everything and leaves you wanting more.

Love is the woollen jumper in winter;
Warm and cosy, but after a while it gets scratchy

Love is the Christmas tree;
Full of decorations, but not a good thing to have crash down on you all of a sudden.

Love is the snow before spring;
Smothers everything, but melts away into something good.

Love is being shot;
Some say it hurts, but I've never been on the receiving end of either.

Yo bitches...

2005-04-11T09:15:00.000+10:00

Nothing to report. Just sayin' "yo.'

Toodles!

Well, a little advertising can't hurt...

2005-04-09T13:06:00.000+10:00

Anyone who knows me knows I love the fillums. So, I figure, time to throw a word out to three great sites, and one kinda shit one.

www.imdb.com

The Internet Movie Database is my bible (albeit online) to this day, I have only ever found out about one movie NOT being on the site. I then added said film on there and so that means now it's pretty much complete.

Anything you see on the IMDb written by 'Freedonmisanillusin' is a little tidbit of wisdom from yours truly.

Great site, full of everything you can know about movies.

www.movie-update.com

Yet another great site. Movie Update is my one stop shop for movie trailers. That said, it sometimes means that it's also my one stop shop for exceeding the download limit.

www.rogerebert.com

Roger Ebert has my dream job. He is paid to watch and critique movies. He gets paid shitloads. And he also writes really well. More often than not, I agree with him, and am always intrigued by his (usually) unbiased point of view.

www.empireonline.com.au

Actyually a shit website. But fior a great magazine. Their old website was awesome, and for some unknown reason, they revamped (or should i say de-vamped) it.

I'll only include this because I love the magazine so much. Full of reviews, upcoming news and interviews with all things hollywood related.

Here endeth the promotion.

'The Nick Mood'

2005-04-06T12:59:00.000+10:00

I have a friend. His name is Nick.

Nick is a good guy: always happy, always laughing (although his particular laugh can annoy) and always friendly.

He has pretty wild hair. The teacher's at school don't like it.

He sometimes goes a bit wild in classes. The teachers don't like it.

Through the teacher's not liking it, they tend to pigeon hole him into being 'dumb' (not the quotation marks) or a bit of a vagabond.

Like me, he has trouble in Maths. But Nick is very smart. Also like me, he just has a mind for the humanities.

Nick always borrows pens off me, and it pissed me off today, so I was pissed off with him as a result. However, realising that a pen is nothing to get pissed off about, I got over it. Nick, apparently, didn't realise this.

When Nick managed to get a problem in Maths right, he was justifiably proud, especially seeing as I myself had gotten it wrong, and for some reason as yet unknown, Nick seems to always be competing against everyone.

When I JOKINGLY asked him how long it took to copy it out of the book, he got incredibly angry and promptly spiralled into what my friends and I call 'The Nick Mood.'

He then went into a tangent about how I always call him dumb and then managed somehow to twist that into me calling him an alcoholic.

Never have I done this.

He's teenage: he drinks. Everyone does (with the exception of me, although there was Luke's party) True, it has caused him to get into a bit of strife with his girlfriend, the beautiful Laura (no really, she's not telling me to write that) and so he swore himself off alcohol.

Whether or not he has managed to keep this vow I don't know, and I don't care. He's still my friend.

nick, I'm sorry if you didn't think I was joking. I was. I know you didn't copy it out of the book.

Stop saying that I called you alcoholic, because I never have, and I never would.

And for fuck's sake, stop getting so easily pissed off with everyone.

Dave.

p.s. "Laura is the most beautiful girl in the world and Dirty Dancing is the greatest movie" -- love Laura

THE LOLLER

2005-04-06T04:48:00.000+10:00

Okay, the identity of the stupid fuckwit bitch who kept on posting coments on the LOL board of just repeating the acronym over and over again. Okay, LOLLER, let's refer to you as...'Frida.'

Now, Frida, I have to say that for the short time you've been at Dominic youi haven;t exactly left much of an impression, least of all with me.

If your gonna insist on being a relentless dickhead, fuck off back to your old school. Although I'm pretty sure they didn't love you there either.

LOL - - - Death Will Come On Swift Wings

2005-04-01T16:15:00.000+10:00

Our times are considered to be advanced -- an exciting new age of technological, medical and scientific advances. We have the internet as an everyday item - all know how to use it. We have musicavailable to us in pocket form via iPods mp3 players and discmans.

A vital tool of communication for teenagers outside of mobile phones is MSN messenger.

Through SMS messaging, where a character limit is implicated, I can understand abbreviation of certain text. It is in some cases a necessity.

But why, on MSN, do people have to say "LOL'

'Laugh Out Loud.' Yes. Laugh all you want.

BUT DON'T FUCKING SAY LOL!

LOL is nothing but a bastardisation of our very unique language. I once heard someone say 'lol' in civil conversation. It was all I could to to keep myslef from punching them.

Death to LOL.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

2005-04-01T16:03:00.000+10:00

I know very little of rape, or sexual assault. I have not ever been raped myself, nor have I ever known of anyone close to me being raped or sexually assaulted. But I know the definition of such terms.
The mere thought of rape is unbearable, to have something so sacred be invaded and brutalised, to have all innocence ripped out and made horrific. It is hard to think about, let alone comprehend being put through such an ordeal.
I can take comfort, however, in the thought that the people who are found guilty of such atrocities are put in jail, where they hopefully are brutalised by their surroundings.
There are no justifications for rape.
It is possibly the most horrendous act of brutality a person can either commit or endure, and the mere thought that many get away with it due to the lack of accusation is heartbreaking.

In 1999, a dedicated and emotional television show aired. Spun off from an already brilliant, accurate and moving show, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit aired, it's first case dealing with the horrific murder of a Serbian man.
It later turned out that the Serbian man had raped some 67 women, two of whom had exacted their revenge. The dilemma of who was in the wrong came up, and the show solved it brilliantly.
SVU has never once resorted to a need to have a story and thus created a 'rape of the week' scenario. Every episode is dealt with in a delicate, mature and sophisticated manner.
It's never easy to watch, but it is always compelling, and always brilliant.
Since the show started, the number of reports made by victims of rape or abuse have risen exponentially. This has been mainly due to the 'education' people feel they have been given by the show.

SVU is one of my favourite shows. Not least because it stars Christopher Meloni in his best role, but also due to the utter commitment of the actors, writers and people involved.
A program that can bring home the truth of how horrific such a crime can be, and also show that here are people who help and that life can continue despite the circumstances.

I can't honestly say I'm devoted to many things, but I am devoted to SVU.
It may sound shallow that I devote myself to a TV show about such a horror, but I can't say I want to get any closer than that. I will never accept it as a fact of life, and neither does SVU.

Donnie Darko

2005-03-29T12:54:00.000+10:00

Okay, so, Donnie Darko as I mentioned before follows that whole 'It is confusing therefore brilliant.' And to some degree, I suppose I hold a double standard.

But I love Donnie Darko for many reasons. One of those is most definitely the smurf monologue, then there;s some great visual imagery and of course Frank.

Frank is a six-foot demonic Rabbit.

But Donnie Darko is definitely confusing. Richard Kelly (writer, director) himself has said that he doesn't know what it's about, so that means it's open to interpretation, and that makes it whatever movie you want to make it.

Brilliant stuff.

I'm afraid...really, really afraid...but...I...I think you're...the fuckin' antichrist...

David Lynch

2005-03-29T12:16:00.000+10:00

David Lynch, for all you fools who don't know, is the director of such 'classics' (I use the term mockingly) as Twin Peaks, Mullholland Drive, Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, Lost Highway, Eraserhead and The Elephant Man.

Critics love him, people are confused by him. He has succeeded on the principle of all cinema that 'If it is confusing - it must be brilliant' This has worked on all of his works, but also other films that he has nothing to do with -- Donnie Darko, much as I love it, is probably only successful due to the lack of comprehension most people feel. More on that later

Let's see -

The Elephant Man -- One of his acceptable pieces. The Elephant Man is very well acted (and directed) and bloody sad. It's a good, coherent film - still the only thing he's done that can proudly say that. All together now: 'I am not an animal!'

Wild at Heart -- Okay, I admit, I must excuse myself here -- I haven't seen it. But from what I've heard, it's a ridiculously violent film that makes you feel like your watching Natural Born Killers through an acid trip.

Blue Velvet -- What the fuck? Actually a good premise to the film, but for god's sake -- MAKE YOUR POINT ALREADY! Blue Velvet is revered as a classic and it is certainly an experience, but classic? No. Dennis Hopper is fantastic, but Kyle I'm-made-out-of-the-same-wood-that's-been-thrust-up-my-arse McLachlan can't save it. God knows why he was hired in the first place.

Lost Highway -- You know that feeling you get after watching Mullholland Drive? Amplify that by about 500. At least MD makes sense if you think about it. Bill Pullman looks about as lost as you feel the entire way through this car-wreck.

Mulholland Drive -- MD is certainly a film I'd tell everyone to see at least once. And the following may be a bit of a *SPOILER* so read ahead not if you care about what happens in the film.

There is a key to understanding the film -- the first thing we see is a bunch of people jitterbugging o screen. What's pivotal here is that these people are dancing in front of a screen that show's the point of view of someone going to sleep.

Then we see Betty (Naomi Watts) arrive in Hollywood. At her apartment, she meets an amnesiac woman who names herself Rita (Laura Elena Harring) after seeing a poster of Gilda starring Rita Hayworth. The two then set out to recover Rita's identity.

About an hour in, the movie completely fucks us over.

When Betty opens a blue box, we get sucked into it and then everything gets weird(er).

Betty has become Diane Selwyn, a psychotic lesbian in love with Camilla Rhodes (formerly our Rita) and all forms of stuff. After being rejected by her, Diane has Camilla killed. Driven insane by the guilt, Diane shoots herself. End movie.

Now there is a simple explanation -- when we saw the 'Betty Story', this was Diane dreaming of a perfect world for her and Camilla. Diane was the one we saw sleeping at the start. Then when she opens the blue box, that is Diane waking up.

However, I think I prefer Roger Ebert's theory -- the film is never intended to make sense. It's deliberately strange, just like a dream. You see Mulholland Drive and then go up to your friends amd say 'I saw the strangest movie last night' just like you'd tell them that you had the strangest dream.

I tend to believe the drea mtheory though, as it kind of makes sense. But, Mr. Lynch -- why not just let us see an easy-to-understand film?

Although, snaps to Rebekkah Jordan's performance in the Club Silencio.

Twin Peaks --

I like Twin Peaks. But I can see that it's a wanky TV show. In the pilot episode, Laura Palmer is found 'day-ed wrapped in plastic.' She's been murdered, and it's up to FBI Agnet Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) to find out who. An intriguing series, it has the single most terrifying character I've ever witnessed. But the thing that pisses me off about that is that that terrifying character is named.......Bob. He is shit scary though.

I'll let Twin Peaks slide by my hatred of David Lynch, because it is a cool show, but it's very weird when it doesn't really need to be.

So, in closing, David Lynch has shown that he can do soem good work. But he's a fucking wanker.

Dreams and their Lack of Relevance

2005-03-29T05:48:00.000+10:00

Last night I had a dream that I was standing in the middle of Time's Square being slowly eaten by pigeons. Then, when Rhona Mitra came and offered me a bowl of jelly, I had a seizure and she told me to leave the weasels alone. Then I found myself in a church (!) where I started bleeding out of my eyes and Jesus handed me a bandaid. Then, when I was falling from the roof of the casino, I woke up about three seconds away from hitting the ground.

Now, as dreams of mine go, that's pretty normal and coherent. But my question is this --

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF DREAMING?

I once heard that dreams are just the body's way of using up irrelevant thoughts. Let's see, I'm male and teenage, so thoughts of Rhona Mitra can be explained, but -- Jesus, band aids, suicidal leaps from casinos? I haven't once thought about either of those things in the past -- year? Decade?

And besides, what's the point of 'getting rid of old thoughts'? Maybe they'd be useful.

At least i don;t have nightmares -- I'd possibly kill myself in my sleep.

Dominic College

2005-03-22T10:03:00.000+11:00

Ah, the place that for eleven years now I have called...school.

Dominic - - is it a wannabe ritzy school, or bogan safehaven? Is it an alright school, or a complete shit hole?

Well, that depends on the students you relate to.

Half of the students are fuckwits, the other half not. Half of us want to be there, half of us don't. I make no inclusion ofmyself in either category. I'm a fuckwit to some, and there are times when I don't want to be there.

Also, your classes:

I don't make bad remarks about any classes, except for one. Most of the classes you take at Dominic are suited to people in one way or another.

Except Indonesian.

In grade 7, I got to learn German. Good, easy-to-learn language, relevant to us English speakers as both our dialects are rooted in latin.

Then in Grade 8, I get the shittest subject on the planet. Nothing against any Indonesian people, no problems with you as a whole. Don't actually have anything against your language either, just hate the fuckwit bitch who taught it.

So Dominic might not be the greatest school on earth.

We've never had a school shooting, a bomb threat, or a hostage crisis. We don't back onto a nuclear powerplant, we don't have only a small concrete courtyard to entertain ourselves in. We don't have a system that favours the rich or sporty.

It's a good place to be. Yeah, it's a little rough - but this way, we get to go out into the world without a glossy sugar-coating.

So for everyone who goes to Dominic, I've a few words to say.

'All that we have can only be made to what we want it to live up to'
--Anon, 1967.

p.s. Fuckwits - get out of my school.

Marc and Gazz - A Mention

2005-03-18T07:10:00.000+11:00

Okay, seeing as I've now told a few people about this site, my friends Marc and Gazz asked me to give them a mention, so here it is.

Consider yourselves mentioned.

Also, Gazz, seeing as you're likely to give me shit about the Chris Meloni post, let's just say that he is to me as Martin Lawrence is to you, or Franz Ferdinand is to Marc.

Pretty Persuasion

2005-03-16T17:20:00.000+11:00

Pretty Persuasion - Can't Wait

Well, I've mentioned it a few times, but as yet I haven;t really said much about it.

Pretty Persuasion is a black comedy. Reports I've heard have said that it is one of the most offensive movies ever made, with a social satire that's bioth biting and relevant, and also one of the blackest comedies around.

I love black comedy, so anything that's described as Cruel Intentions meets Heathers sounds right up my alley.

It stars Evan Rachel Wood as Kimberly, a vile little bitch of a girl who persuades her friends to lay false claims of sexual harrasment on their dodgy drama teacher. The film then details their proceeding media scandal, courtroom drama and other impacts the accusations have had on their lives.

It seems so far that everyone thinks it's possibly the most profane film they've ever watched with detestable characters and unfrogiving set-ups - - sounds delectable.

The only cponcern I have is that with it's offensive nature that it'll get rated R or potentially banned. R I'll live with - banned I'll be more than just a tad pissed off. Hopefully it'll be MA.

Still no release date for Aussie yet, but I still can't wait.

Vile Trash Pretending To Be A Movie

2005-03-15T10:37:00.000+11:00

Tart - Shit Beyond Words

I was curious to see this mainly for Mischa Barton's involvement. I went against my sister's good advice and got it out. It is shit. It is beyond shit. Do not see it. I hated every single insulting moment of this poor excuse for a film.

I won't provide a review, as that would only justify its existence.

But let me say this: This is the film that will play in hell (or the Indonesian room at school) for all eternity

Bound: A Truly Savvy Movie

2005-03-15T10:05:00.000+11:00

Bound - Brilliant

Oh, how to begin describing my delight?

Firstly, let me start by saying that I tried to find this in many a video store for a while, mainly because I'd a) heard that it was fucking brilliant, which it is, and b) it involved Chris Meloni.

I unwittingly let my mother hire me an R rated film (that's an Australian R, very different thing to the US) but for once, I don't feel bad, because the movie was so bloody fantastic

Corky (Gina Gershon) has just finished serving a prison sentence. She's tough and she has short hair, so of course - she's a lesbian. She moves into the apartment next door to Violet (Jennifer Tilly) and they meet in the elevator. Violet very obviously fancies Corky (and fair enough - Gina Gershon is bloody hot) and it's not long before the two are very well acquainted with the bedroom.

There is one slight hindrance to the two living happily ever after. That is Caesar (Joe Pantoliano), Violet's semi-mobster boyfriend - he doesn't so much do all the dirty work as stand by and watch it.

Violet doesn't like the mob life, so she asks Corky to help her steal two million dollars that Caesar has just brought into the apartment, money that's intended for the mob, and pin the blame on Caesar. The hope is that Caesar will panic and run from the mob, unwittingly making them think that he stole it.

There is a slight hitch - as part of her and Corky's plan, Violet hints that Johnnie Marzzone (Our man Chris) stole the money. Now Caesar doesn't like Johnnie, mainly because he's more of a man than Caesar and frequently hits on Violet, and this causes him to stay, not run.

Can we start seeing a slight pear-shape? Now, to tell anymore of the movie would be to absolutely ruin its effect, so I won't go into much more detail than that.

Bound has a lot going for it - it's got a brilliant plot, tricky camera work (mainly in the opening shot) great acting, and for all those right hands out there, a fair bit of lesbian sex (although it's relevant and artistically done)

To think that the Wachowski brothers debuted with this and then went on to make films as monotonous as The Matrix trilogy (don't get me wrong, I love the Matrix (well, the first one anyway), but Bound makes the Matrix trilogy look dull and quite frankly - crap) is beyond me.

Yes, it's violent, profane and rather explicit in the sex scenes, but I'm not entirely sure it deserves an R rating. Maybe just a strong MA. In the end, it doesn't matter - this is one of the best films I've ever seen.

Sadly, Pulp Fiction, there has been a film to overthrow your 'Dave's Favourite Movie' throne.

See Bound as soon as you can.

BOUND: Imagine The Whole Nine Yards, Ocean's Eleven and Basic Instinct all thrown in with a nice helping of Dark Tone and you're just about there.

Rated R: Medium Level Violence, Medium Level Sex Scene

Angelina Jolie

2005-03-14T08:04:00.000+11:00

Angelina in Mrs. Smith Mode

How many men do you know who can't appreciate the utter beauty (she blew the needle off the PHWOOAR! scale) of Angelina Jolie. Or for that matter, how many women?

If we all lived in a movie, anytime we saw Angelina she'd start having that 'Hey Sexy Lady' song by Shaggy playing in the background.

She's beyond beautiful. Even when she looks like the most cruel person on the planet, she's still hot. If Olympias walked up to someone and ripped their balls off, they wouldn't scream, they'd say 'Hey, you just ripped my balls off. Can I have your number?' shortly before dying of blood loss.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith will be awesome, mark my words.

Download the trailer at www.movie-update.com

Evan Rachel Wood

2005-03-14T07:21:00.000+11:00

Evan Rachel Wood - Dynamite in a Small Package

I first saw Evan Rachel Wood in Practical Magic. In the way that a ten-year-old can relate feelings of a 'she's hot', I remember thinking 'she's so cool'. Mainly the bit where her character Kylie is telling her mother that there's a man next to the roses.

Then I saw her in the form of Jessie Sammler on Once & Again, a TV show dealing with normal family issues. I was wowed by how good her performance was, and even more impressed when she started going out with Mischa Barton's character Katie.

Then came the clincher.

In Thirteen, she plays Tracy Freeland, a good girl who gets corrupted by one Evie Zamora (played with perfect malevolence and manipulation by Nikki Reed) and slowly drags all those around her down into a world of pain and suffering. That she wasn't nominated for an Oscar over some of the other contenders that year (Charlize Theron was good, but how much of that comes from her makeup?) only proves what I always say: The oscars are bullshit, watch the Golden Globes.

Now all I wait for are The Upside of Anger featuring Joan Allen, Kevin Costner and Erika Christensen, but above all - PRETTY PERSUASION.

I've been waiting for Pretty Persuasion for about a year and a half now, and I still can't wait to see it (even if they did cut Chris Meloni from it) If I'm disappointed by it (unlikely) I shall be most put out.

Creation of a Savvy Bastard

2005-03-11T06:57:00.000+11:00

It's an odd term, yes, but it has its merit.

The nickname 'Savvy Bastard' was coined for me by one Luke Ratcliffe, master of all things annoying yet endearing.

However, after having spent a night on camp in the cabin next to Mr. Ratcliffe calling the name out for many hours, its novelty wore off quickly. By the next day, I found myself pissed off at anyone who referred to me as a savvy bastard, which of course only furthered their enjoyment of the nickname.

Luckily, after a weekend, I learned to embrace the savvy bastard within me, and also needed a new email address.
A savvy bastard was born.